How to throw one helluva (proper) Royal Wedding party

It's okay to be excited about the royal wedding. Nobody would judge you if you held a little fete yourself, because a...

Posted: May 16, 2018 4:14 PM
Updated: May 16, 2018 4:14 PM

It's okay to be excited about the royal wedding. Nobody would judge you if you held a little fete yourself, because after all -- outside of the 500 Disney movies you've watched, how often do royal weddings happen?

For a truly memorable bash, it's best to go beyond the basics like drinking tea, wearing silly hats and embarrassing yourself with a poorly conceived British accent. To take your wedding watch party to the next level, we suggest these festive activities.

We can assure you, no one will be bored.

Decorate a lemon cake

Guests should get down on their knees and thank the newest royal couple, because they have changed up the usual wedding cake game for the better. Traditionally, the royal wedding cake is fruitcake. Yes, under all of those layers of fondant and intricate icing art, there's just a big ol' slab of knobby fruit cement. However, since this wedding is all about intercontinental compromise, Harry and Meghan are opting for a lemon and elderberry cake instead. Bless.

Directions: Acquire a lemon cake, or a batch of lemon cookies. Optional: Pick up some blackberries too, which are basically American elderberries. Let your guests go to town with white icing, taking care to mimic the traditional British Lambeth style of decoration that includes finely-piped lace and flowers. Eat the ugliest ones first.

Guess the expensive wine

Harry and Meghan's absolute mastery of Stuff People Actually Want to Eat and Drink at Weddings continues with their wine choice. The couple has reportedly selected a sparkling wine from Chapel Down winery in Kent, England, where the bottles run from $35 to $42. It's no Korbel, but 40 bucks is couch cushion change when you're talking about a whole royal family.

Directions: Get three bottles of cheap wine and one bottle of not-cheap wine. Set up a blind taste test by pouring a tiny bit into some numbered plastic glasses. Don't go overboard -- getting hammered in the middle of the day is extremely un-royal. Have each guest take a whiff and a sip. Is that a hint of toast hiding under the aromas of sparkling nectarine? Maybe! This wine cost $5. Everyone wins.

Play 'Suits and Fatigues'

Of course, it wouldn't be a real royal wedding party if you didn't take time to celebrate the accomplishments of the bride and groom. Meghan Markle rose to fame on the American TV show "Suits," and Prince Harry served for several years in the British Army. Even though they're about to enter into wedded bliss, no high achiever can resist a little healthy competition.

Directions: Divide the party crowd into two teams. One side should wear camouflage, the other suit jackets or ties. Pick a competition -- preferably tug o' war or touch football, something that will make you look really ridiculous. Checkers or Rock Paper Scissors are acceptable alternatives for the less adventurous crowd. Play until you want a divorce.

Have a royal wedding dance party

Obviously, solemn historic occasions like royal weddings are full of head-bopping bangers, if by head-bopping bangers you mean hymns and instrumental music composed mostly by dead white men (and Elton John). It isn't clear what tunes Meghan and Harry will choose for their ceremony, so let's use some of the selections from Prince William and Duchess Catherine's wedding in 2011.

Directions: First, load up a playlist with all of these songs from William and Kate's official wedding program

  • Bridal March from "The Birds" by Sir Charles Hubert Hastings Parry
  • I Was Glad by Sir Charles Hubert Parry
  • Fantasia in G by Johann Sebastian Bach
  • Farewell to Stromness by Sir Peter Maxwell Davies
  • Touch Her Soft Lips and Part from Henry V Suite by William Walton
  • Romance for String Orchestra Op. 11 by Gerald Finzi
  • Crown Imperial by William Walton

Then, go ahead and dance! Is it hard to move to music composed solely for string quartet? Yes, but that's the point! Every song can be a dance anthem if you try.

Make something aesthetically pleasing out of sticks

Why not let your guests try their hand at being a royal wedding florist? Take a cue from London florist Philippa Craddock, the actual person responsible for decorating St. George's Chapel (no pressure, girl). She has chosen white garden roses, peonies and foxgloves for her main blooms. Gorgeous!

But there will also be a ton of sticks in there. Craddock is using branches of beech, birch and hornbeam to complete her wedding look. Could you make this work? Probably not, but it's worth a try!

Directions: Grab a few bunches of blooms from the grocery store. You may end up mangling them, so no need to go high end. Carnations will do. Then collect an armful of sticks from your backyard. Lay everything out on a table, along with some scissors, twine, wire, scotch tape or whatever else you have to turn this pile of dead nature into art.

Each person gets 15 minutes to craft their very best wedding display. Winner gets to take theirs home. The rest should be burned.

Fight over a British-American version of 'Would you Rather?'

When the ceremony has been watched, the cake eaten and the wine accurately priced, the only thing left to do is squabble over age-old transatlantic grudges. Use our suggestions below, and feel free to come up with your own additions. Revolutionary War jokes are OFF LIMITS.

Directions: Pick one from each of the pairs below and hope the answers don't ruin any friendships.

See? Aren't you glad our two great nations came together for this joyous event? Soak it in, because it will probably be a while until the next one (Prince George, we're looking at you).

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